So the other day the CDC gave us a call to explain what we should be expecting now that my darling husband Dracula has Swine Flu. They began by informing us that this is a permanent condition, and then discussed the various symptoms.
First, they said that Dracula will henceforth have an overwhelming urge to eat large quantities of swine-related foods, such as bacon. After cooking a few pounds of bacon this morning, I spread my legs and displayed it to him. He continued to lap it up over and over again. It was as if I could feel his tongue all over my...bacon. He groaned as he continued to eat the meat from between my legs.
The children then presented the sausages that they had spent all morning preparing to him. After slowly sucking on the sausages one by one, we watched him consume the long, hard sticks of meat. He then wiped the white stains from the side of his mouth and told me how delicious all of the...milk and meat he had sucked, licked, and then devoured was.
Second, they told us he would begin to make strange, pig-like noises. In bed he squeals whenever I touch his elephantine...tooth. I won't go into the details, for both your sake and mine.
Finally, they told us to be careful of pig-like attributes. I am now playing with his tiny, spring-like...tail that he has been growing bigger, harder, and longer at an alarming rate.
The doctors said his condition is not life threatening, so I will be able to enjoy doing this for a long time.
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