Dreaming of my in-laws - part 7

I was feeling very lonely, now that Dracula is dead. It feels so empty...my bed, anyway.

The in-laws have decided to sleep in our...house. I am not sure why they don't go get a cheap motel.

Anyway, I have been having some dreams lately. They are rather strange, and they tend to involve Sandman grinding his...sand against my face. These dreams are rather realistic, as when I wake up I need to wash out my eyes from the sticky mess.

They tend to follow this pattern:
Sandman enters my room as I am rubbing my...eyes, trying to fall asleep.
He comes onto my...bed, and slaps me across the face with his huge sack.
Many times he empties his load...of sand all over my face. It gets in my eyes, which burns.
Then as I am falling asleep, he leaves abruptly, saying he has to get up early the next day for a business meeting.

One time during my dream, PounPusah was there too. It only happened once, but boy wsas it memorable. Such an experience. I have never seen anger like that before. Pounpusah beat the crap out of Sandman. He tried to slap her across the face with his sack, but PounPusah cast a spell and shot liquid all over Sandman, created a sticky mess.

I am concerned that her powers may be getting stronger, both in real life and my wet dreams.

If you have any suggestions to help me overpower PounPusah, please leave them in the comments. I need as much help as I can get.

You can't spell funeral without fun! - part 6

Today was the day of the funeral. It was raining. We looked down at his lifeless body, the rear side impaled by his long, hard... tail. I began to realize how wet I was... I left my umbrella at home. My in-laws were a bit strange. His mother, PounPusah, identified herself as a witch specializing in love-related potions. His father simply called himself "The Sandman." After telling me how his profession entailed making nightly visited to little children's bedrooms, all three of my remaining foster children as well as both of our vampire babies (by the way, why didn't anybody fuckin tell me they'd be vampires?) instantly recognized as the man with an extremely large sack... of sand. As PounPusah whispered in my ear how wet she felt... from the rain, I wrung out the water in my shirt.

The 3 remaining foster children jumped onto their dead father, pleading that we don't bury him just yet. Unfortunately, I will have to buy extra stain remover, as the fluid was still squirting out of Dracula's...tooth and all over the children. The Sandman pulled out his giant sack... of sand and emptied it all over the children in an attempt to dry them off. Unfortunately it had a reverse-effect by making them all very tired and fall asleep.

After completing fully coating Dracula in a nice, thick-layer of dirt, the burial finally complete.

34 DD - Death and Despair.. part 5

He's dead.

As his short curly...tail filled with blood and became long, slender and hard like wood, it began to split him in two. He squealed constantly (more than usual) and it thrust into his...abdomen. This soon caused a massive amount of a strangely colored fluid to shoot out of...anus.

As more and more fluid rushed out of his...anus, his face became pale and his squeals grew weaker. As each ejaculation of fluid occurred more rapidly, he soon lost consciousness...and died. I was quick to jump on top of him and feel his...muscular body. Rubbing it up and down to see if there were any other abnormalities or any signs of life. Apparently this is what happens when he enjoys eating my...bacon too much.

I called the CDC to ask them what the fuck was going on. They told me he suffered from meatitus, a condition that occurs when the subject chokes down too many thick, juicy meat-pieces.

Apparently we could have prevented this unfortunate occurrence had we taken the time to inspect his large...tooth. We would have noticed it was spouting white fluid without any stimulation, obviously out of the ordinary.

The funeral is scheduled for next week. I invited the in-laws, who I have never met.

The truth shoots out...part 4

So the other day the CDC gave us a call to explain what we should be expecting now that my darling husband Dracula has Swine Flu. They began by informing us that this is a permanent condition, and then discussed the various symptoms.

First, they said that Dracula will henceforth have an overwhelming urge to eat large quantities of swine-related foods, such as bacon. After cooking a few pounds of bacon this morning, I spread my legs and displayed it to him. He continued to lap it up over and over again. It was as if I could feel his tongue all over my...bacon. He groaned as he continued to eat the meat from between my legs.

The children then presented the sausages that they had spent all morning preparing to him. After slowly sucking on the sausages one by one, we watched him consume the long, hard sticks of meat. He then wiped the white stains from the side of his mouth and told me how delicious all of the...milk and meat he had sucked, licked, and then devoured was.

Second, they told us he would begin to make strange, pig-like noises. In bed he squeals whenever I touch his elephantine...tooth. I won't go into the details, for both your sake and mine.

Finally, they told us to be careful of pig-like attributes. I am now playing with his tiny, spring-like...tail that he has been growing bigger, harder, and longer at an alarming rate.

The doctors said his condition is not life threatening, so I will be able to enjoy doing this for a long time.

Swine Flu hits home...part 3

I was extremely mortified this morning when I awoke to discover my dearest husband, Dracula, coughing up all the blood he had consumed from me (and the kids) the night before. I offered to let him penetrate me with his massively ginormous tooth once again, as that always makes him feel better. When he said no, I was even more shocked and realized something must be terribly wrong. After he declined the same offer from my foster children (the 3 who still live at home), we took him to the doctor and were informed that he may have Swine Flu (H1N1). The doctor took a sample to the CDC for analysis, and the next day we were informed that he did test positive for Swine Flu and severe vampiric scleronosis. Although we were already semi-aware of the vampiric tendencies (that he displays every night in bed), we were still shocked to discover he had Swine Flu.

I am afraid he may spread this disease to me by penetrating me over and over with his massive tooth.

HELP

Taking relationship to the next level...part 2

So, in two weeks I will be marrying the cloaked knave whom I mentioned in my last post.

Anyway, I am still hesitant to allow him to penetrate me with his giant tooth. I am not sure what the babies will turn out like. Will they be vampires or will they be human?

Three of my 6 foster children have moved away, due to safety concerns. The other children have undergone the Draculation process with few setbacks. They are still mostly human, which pleases me (over and over and over again).

molestation and despoliation (in the park)... part 1

So, I was walking through my favorite park last saturday night, when out of nowhere a cloaked knave jumped out of the bushes and told me he wanted suck my...blood. After randomly biting my...neck, he continued to feel me up in several places. I guess I'll let you imagine what happened next. At any rate, after I was penetrated over and over again by his enormous... tooth, both of them, he told me his name was Dracula and that I should remember it always because I'd soon become a vampire just like him. I am very scared, do you think that I will become a vampire? Furthermore, I am a foster parent for six children between the ages of 5 and 10. I am very worried for not only my own safety, but also that my children will become vampires by my doing in the same manner as I did... What should I do? Are there any O.T.C. meds I should consider taking? I am very nervous and my neck hurts... I think I have a hickey.

HELP